I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
