you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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