i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
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