No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
