I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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