he puts the penis in happiness.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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