My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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