All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize