I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
