i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
