i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
