i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
