i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's blow job season.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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