My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
