I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
