mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
