Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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