dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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