in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize