I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
