i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
