Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
