Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
