I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
