Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
