My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
