Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
