At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize