my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
