What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
