M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
