Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize