Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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