Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
