turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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