Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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