As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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