Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
