hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
