he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize