Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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