cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she told me i tasted like america
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
