Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
