Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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