I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
