is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
