I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
