I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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