Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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