we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
