Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You were trust falling into bushes
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
