i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
