I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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