I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
