I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
The best revenge is premature balding
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
