Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
