This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
