If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
