my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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