Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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