he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
