Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
