It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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