After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
